some things on my TO DO List that shouldn't be there. (literally they are not TO DO's, but statements)

Things/Places

Bocca Evanston

space needed between object & macro lens

teen mother choices 

Dog cartoon website

NWCH dog therapy program

Books-

7 min solution

When pigcasso met Mootasie

Eat Pray Love

Maryann Malloy- club about art instutide mini rooms

the bride wore size 12

beyond expectations

intant mom

alfie kohen (grades /homework study)

carkl hassisan Bad Monkey

Ideals:

clutter is procrastination

of Ephesians 4:29 "...let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear

losing a friend.  so i think i've recently lost a friend.  I'm not sure if this person is intentionally pushing me away or just too busy for our friendship.  I suppose both are the same in thought but the of someone intentionally trying to push me away is sad.  i noticed my message and invitations to hang out are not being reciprocated.  The friend has time for other friends. 

i'm choosing to sit on it for now.  I've sent 2 text, a fb comment & an email that have been unanswered.  i will wait & either they will respond or not.  perhaps in decmemebr i will send a "thinking of you" message.  

 

i recently went to the dentist & driving around the shore area left a pit in my stomach.  I'm not exactly sure why- maybe it's b/c i know (even with my dad's inheritance) i will never be able to live on the shore. and i really do understand how much money it requires.  so falling short, makes me feel inadequate.  Part of me realized that all my talk about high school students being the big fish in their little sea is currently true for our family in our stature.  

too many things out of my control right now. kelly passing, grandpa passing, big hole in ceiling, cracked wall upstairs, dog ate half a magnet,

too many things that i can not control or even begin to manage. 

I'm finally feeling some relief & stress start to slip away.  First changes i made- i had to give myself permission to feel the guilt, ugly feelings of not wanting to work.

then i had to get in control of work

i did this by planning out my next couple of weeks.  i ran off photo copies for oct & part of november. ran off coloring sheets & printables thru november.

it took time- it's a matter of which causes less stress

doing the prep every week or doing the prep once a month.

BUT now i need to let go. not worry about the classes in between planning sessions. NOT worry about coming up with new ideas for the next month.I'm always afriad i'm going to run out of ideas.  That has not happened yet. so why do i worry it.  It didn't happen, before the interner & pinterest in particular. so i need to let go of this idea.  it is IMPOSSIBLe to run out of ideas.  i need to keep telling myself that

same with the parent-tot class- the prep time is still there- it's just does it work better in a huge chunk & "set it & forget it" or is it better one class at a time.  I don't think i get that luxury in the winter - b/c there are 2 clases every monht.  I may have to just work 2 classes ahead of time.  we will see.  This week was a HUGE milestone- i didn't bring ANYTHING home with me on thursday. I wouldn't have brought stuff home on tuesday, except chloe was boogery all over the toys.  

something has that has helped=is being more purposeful with my time.  

it's going better.  I have swam 2 wednesday in a row. it is so relaxing, once i get past the first 15-20 mins hump. then i could just stay in the water floating  & kicking, & moving for a long time.

The dogs have gotten to the dog park 3 times this week_ BECAUSE_ i wasn't consumed with work stuff. they got to benefit from my balance.  AND I benefitted THREE TIMES- b/c i'm outside with the dogs, i don't have guilt over not taking care of dogs, dogs are crazy ass holes at night.

I need to tatoo that on my forehead- BALANCE equals happiness & benefits unmeasurable.

Today i changed sheets, cleaned toilets, running laurndy like crazy. did the menu, cleaned out the fridge.

getting dressed, eyebrow waxed, lynn & swim

after typing out several posts, makes me wonder why i don't try to spend more time trying to write out my thoughts.

i feel so much better after expressing & sharing my feelings.  it's so odd how typing out feelings is so therapeutic compared to just thinking these crazy thoughts.  seriously like 100 times better.  i need to remember the next time i'm feeling stressed to just type it out.  or write it out.

i see reading back thru my last entries i've been dealing with this stress & anxiety & fear of failure for over a month now.  This is where it has to end.  This is just silliness.  I just have to breather& remember i spent 4 years learning from awesome people how to be in early childhood.  i know this shit. i got this shit, i need to NOT be so crazy & weird.

what do i think the parents are expecting:

a fun, safe & friendly class, with a caring friendly teacher

free play, time to meet new friends, chance to observe their child in play,

a fun easy low mess project.

What my crazy thoughts MAKE it look like the parent's expect:

professionalism, personalized experience, creme de las creme projects. preschool 

i can feel the stress making me tired.  i feel like my body & mind is beginning to "will" a surrender of the war. i can feel the relief coming.  

just remember, they aren't in class to see you, they are in class for the benefit of their child.

i had a really interesting talk with karen today.  i think i figured out some of my stress & other metnal issues.  I think i have been feeling a bit of grief for the year that i wanted to have. a year of not working & helping a lot in the kids school.  i think i need to mourn the loss of what i had perceived as my hopeful year. I 'm feeling a little resnetful by how much time this "little job" is taking up.  I took it thinking it was going to be easy-peasy no thinking required.  so far i have logged around 5-10 hours a week getting ready for 4 classes. that's a little ridicoulous when i see that number.  what on earth have i been doing & why?

I know some of this is coming from the beginning of walking into a job interview mainly for hte money.  I really just wanted the money.  the ability to pay for my own stuff, & not pay out of my dad's money.  i should have given it more consideration once i found out lynn didn't have any information. but i thought karrie had the info.  i should have really asked myself & troy if  a start up job was something i really wanted to take on right now.

Then there's the time consuming blessing of supplies. something that would have driven me batty- running around for supplies during the week & having to skimp on supplies.  What a blessing that i have a ton of supplies-now i'm just trying to get used to what i have- so i don't have to run around.

the first thursday class felt aweful & stressful- teh 2nd class (which i led) was awesome, peaceful, it flowed, it felt natural.

tuesday classes were rough not as bad as thursday, but still the first time didn't flow.  I'm hoping after tomorrow i can follow up this post- feeling better, more confident that what i'm doing is meeting the expectations of parents.

now i have thursday night class & i think my problem with that class is the fact that i'm not really organized - i really needed to make a supply list from the start instead of writing out the supplies & ideas 10 times on different paper.

so next class- make a decision & gather supplies quicker- don't roll it over in your head a thousand times.  maybe that will help me release the mental gymanstics.  i have been thinking about this ice cream class for so long.  And that make senses, it's not right that i have spent so much mental energy thinking about it, but it makes senses b/c i didn't have supplies etc.  I thought i was going to have to make up all my own supplies.  

but now that i know what i have- i wonder how it would feel different if i made the "safari" box up immeditaly after the ice cream party & left a supply/snack list in the box.  Would i be able to mental walk away & not think about it anymore

ps i need to excercise.

ARGH! I'm having the weird stressed out dreams again.  I know it is partially due to a hot sleeping enviroment.  2 nights ago, it was the dreaded out of control tornado dream. Last night, it was troy refused to drive me to class on time. I got there at 415 for a 430 class. at the RMPD teen center for a AH class. The class theme was dinosaurs geared to preteens.  I had nothing prepared.  I wasn't sure if i was supposed to be in the building or how to get my class list.  Barb bassatt was there- she opened the building for me.  I realized that the teen center had been remodeled to add a huge indoor playground.

what a mess!  I hope my next couple of week's aren't filled with this awful dreams.

I know part of the stress is next week with school & the bus.  I feel such guilt over the bus.  Since it gets here so early & They have to be on it for so long.  BUt i'm still very hopeful that the bus will be the answer to carle's slow moving mornings. (at least for a couple of months)

i was writing about my anxiety & lack of self confidence in my new job.  after talking with troy, i reazlied how frustrated I am with my new boss.  No one has the time to show me where i will be working.  If i can see the room, then i can start planning, knowing the space & supplies.
Troy suggested i just go over by myself.
he also suggested, maybe i releax a bit. maybe my boss is planning to spend time with me after her camps.  Maybe she already has it on her to do list, to bring me to the room.

I need to decide, can i wait until boss contacts me or until Marie & I go over there in 2 weeks or do i need to see it this week

If i see it this week & it sucks, then i might be heart broken.
if i see it this week & it rocks & has letter stampers, then i'm all set for my first class & i can be confident in my curriculmn choices!

so i had this weird internal issue peek up.  I unexpectedly got a part time job at AHPD.  running parent-tot classes etc.  Right up my alley.  BUT i've been dealing with some weird anxiety & lack of confidence.  I think it is mainly b/c my supervisor is not helpful or very supportive.  She had no information about the class content.  Kept sending me back to talk to Karrie.  took 2 weeks to email me back & then asked for brochure copy with no additional info (SMH!)

but this weird insecurity, peeked thru yesterday. I picked up the packet of stuff from Karrie's house.  I had been tossing around ideas for the first parent tot class: ice cream.  when i went thru karrie's stuff i found she had the same ideas that i had.
Instead of feeling fantastic that clearly i was on the right path.  I started freaking out.  i think, because i felt like my ideas were very original & unique.  That my ideas were going to mark me as the best parent-tot teacher ever.

apparently, i'm having some issues in regards to my learning curve.  I talked to troy about it.  he gave great insight.  i'm never incredible or star employee on DAY ONE.  there is an expected learning curve.  If i continue to put this crazy pressure on myself, i'll lose my mind or over spend in my classes to create the perfect class. or worse my craziness will rub off into the classes & make the parent's feel hurried & rushed to complete "stations" in my class.
i need to take a deep breath.
i need to remember that i was a "gold star" at BH, but i wasn't the ONLY ONE!  Kellie was a gold star & she & i did things differently from each other, just like Jena did things differently.  There is not one way for being a gold star.  Jena's strength is lesson planning, mine is the relationship building & the way i speak to kids.  I have to remember everything will fall into place.
It's hard cause i can't prepped for relationship building. so i'm trying to control & create the "best content every"  And when my BEST was the same as Karrie's, i felt crushed like aren't i supposed to be better than someone who didn't teach preschool...

Really i should have celebrated & said, yes i'm right on target with my thinking. My idea is fun, funky & age appropriate.

i'm going to work on that idea: my thinking is spot on.  The difference will be in how i execute it & make the parents feel comfortable.

Summer. here we go again.  I've spent a LOT of time, a ridiculous unneccessary amount of time thinking about summer.
I think in part, b/c our summer last year was not the best. but this was before the adhd diagnoisis & i think i spent too much time online.
i feel like i've solved both of this issues.
to be cont.

We now understand what triggers carlie's temper much better.  Doesn't mean that there hasn't been fights & Yelling already this week, but in general having the knowledge behind what is going on ...is very helpful.

I have worked really hard to cull my internet use.  I know do not visit any forums, except the Dis.  I have been on the dis & posted 200 times since last august.  the bulk of the posting immediately before & immediately after our trip.  i check it in the morning & sometimes thru out the day on the ipad.  I don't really check it on my phone.  I also only post when i think it will be helpful or useful.  I use the subscription service- which has really cut down on the amount of time i spend popping in to check replies. I'm very proud of myself for moving away from all the different boards.  I even deleted the Car seats for the littles group & chat group.  I realized around january, that i was spending a lot of time refreshing my news feed again.  Plus the CSFTL group got really big & it was silly to try to read everything.

i have also started streaming tv shows while in the kitchen cooking & cleaning- this has actually helped me to stay focused on my agenda.  I'm not refreshing fb instead of cooking dinner.

not that i have extra time as a result, it certainly doesn't feel that way...but i do feel these changes & self imposed boundaries are helping me to: prepare (my word of the year) since dinnner is on time & not delayed by me- i am usually calmer when i call everyone for dinner.  I'm not beating myself up for wasting time.

What i want summer to look like: A mix between structure & loosey-goosey for the kids.  My kids if given the opportunity would consume screen time like a giant bowl of ice cream.  They would just sit there all day.  So i want summer to look like:  kids being able to play & use their imaginations with out screens & without resquesting screens all day long.

How we hope to do this:  the daily 5.  there are 5 things each of us needs to do.  For the first 2 weeks, carlie is in day camp- so she only needs to do her bridge book & tidy room.  the girl is running full force between all day camp & gymnastics/taekwondo.


write about:
how i solved these 2 problems
what i want summer to look like
daily 5

we are almost in the final stretch for the school year.  We are down to 30 plus days.

i've been thinking about how i want the mornings to look in summer

i feel our down falls are: not moving fast enough in the morning & wavering over decisions (where to go, what to do). this summer i need to be more decisive. 

 

summer maybe looks like this:

6am, wake to alarm

dogs walk 600-620

coffee/computer 620-700

exercise or clean 700-730

shower/dressed 730-800

Breakfast with the kids 800ish

Kids dressed (before breakfast?)- if so, need to get casey some food to snack on in room.

make decisions on plans, write it down if i need to.

I re-read my entries recently & felt discouraged by numbers of times I had written about the Internet sucking my time & life away BUT I realized today, I'm the least attached that I have been in years. I've dropped the car seat boards, dropped mothering (shudder) barely on Disboards,  I've been getting up early in the am & trying to walk away,
I will Amit o replacing some of my Internet scrolling with TV shows, but I can watch/listen to a show while making dinner or cleaning - the TV does not freeze my productivy. ,

Anyways I just shared this nugget on Ally's helpful & I realized I ave cone full circle, I really do mean this & are moving closer to supporting this ideal

Tracy Cook I say hold out as long as you can, I used to think kids needed technology (in classrooms & such) but the truth is: technology is so user friendly - kids pick it up extremely fast. Now I think kids need to be bored- boredom creates imagination. My kids need more unstructured playtime outside & less technology inside. as far as learning, I was in early childhood for 4 years- there are so many awesome, simple hands on ways to teach letters & numbers, ways that will bond you more & more with your kiddo. I wish I had held off & not introduced technology. Teacher tom's blog has sparked some of my newer thoughts on this subject.

ALL HOPE IS NOT LOST

working on more productive mornings leading to a better day.

today was a great morning

surfed a bit

then moved into an email from brook

sent recipe info to danielle,lori & mom

emailed steff about yearbook

Awesome, troy thinks he found a new scrapbook ap/program.  it looks very promising.

In other areas, i've been working hard (half the time-or when i remember) to "prepare" my heart.

today, casey's pom fell off a project.  And instead of giving him the blow off -of we will fix it at home..which we couldn't cause my glue guns were at MOPS.  we went back to his sunday school room, & applied another pom.  It was the little things.

When carlie asked to make flubber, i said YES & not no!  When they asked to paint, I said YES!
And the world didn't come to an end.  They cleaned up nicely & played with each other for several hours.

Still working on the "prepare" idea with Troy.. I find it terribly hard.  the evil sinful part of me wants to be right all the time.

Needing 2 game plans:

1 for time in the morning to alternate between digi scrap (disney, dog show), art projects for self & blog writing

Make game plan, use post it note on computer to prompt

exercise:

monday- workout video

tuesday-walk w kathleen

wedn- dog park

thur- fitness center

Friday- workout dvd

blah blah blah.  stay off the internet.  seriously!

The kids have been home sick since wednesday.  It is going okay.  wednesday was full of driving around to appts etc.

Yesterday carlie & i spent time learning how to Zentangle.  something that i hope will replace some of my internet time.

Blog about feeling productive when
When in touch with Michael
I feel better more at

well i "Siri'ed" myself this note...however i have no idea what it means. i remember noticing the word Michael was mistakenly placed in the message.

i think it was - I feel more productive when i am in touch with reality & not consumed by the internet.

how do i subjectively define productive morning?

is it the time i awake?  the time i get dressed?  

these questions sound silly & like a contemplative waste of time, but i am really struggling with it

i got up this morning at 6am- but not showered & dressed until 8am- does that equal unproductive?

during that time, i took dogs outside, helped carlie, made my bed, ran a load of laundry, answered Mindi's question w resources, took shower, cleaned bath tub. 

bathed casey, spent time with caring & nurturing casey- lathered him with oil, helped him get dressed, spoke gently to him,   

cleaned up kitchen & reloaded 20 dishes into dishwasher.  

hmm

i was feeling like it was productive until i looked at clock & realized i'm eating at 9am,,,like every day. but today i only spent 30 mins online.

something i would like to define,, productivity in morning. or otherwise the whole day- maybe i go back to making a 3-4 accomplishment list for the day

so yesterday was a semi fail, semi okay day for prepare.  specifically the morning w troy.  Just keep trying to take things into perspective & think beyond myself

BUT a good was Target, the kids earned starbucks- okay it was a flat our bribery. :)  Instead of rushing thru the experience & making them bring it home...just so i could sit on the couch with the ipad.....

We sat there at starbucks for about 15 minutes.  just sat & talked.

internet, i think i have been doing better.  This week is a good week filled with time blocks of distraction (art classes, casey pt, helping Lysa) i'm hoping this week will spring board & motivate me next week to NOT pick up the device.  

okay back to here

Okay back to the blog. like everything in the New Year, i return to the "things" or cogs in my life that keep the "Happy & functional wheels" running.  Why i stop writing....why i stop finding creative outlets.  Or is this just cyclic.  does it always happen like this...like a big sigh of relief from the crazy schedules of the holiday. Then i get bored with the down time, UP the ante a bit- reorganize something & decide THIS is the year of real CHANGE.  sigh

here we are in the start of another year, time just keeps flying by.  Although this might not have been a great year for working thru MOW: Purposeful (previously Nurture) 

It was one of the best year's we have had as a family.  my dad sold the family business & as a result- we were able to remodel our kitchen & GO TO DISNEY!!!  Which i never ever thought being a SAHM i would be able to say.  that we went to DISNEY!  oh how i miss it already.

anyways, MOW: i was chatting with Karen & Joy today about MOW.  I shared 2 great articles on one TIME & the other on the struggle of picking a word.

http://myoneword.org/picking-a-word/time/

http://myoneword.org/picking-a-word/mow-is-not-for-wimps/

my original thought was Kindness, as i seem to STILL struggle with the same battles.  Being KIND to myself (working out, eating healthy, NOT playing online) the Kids- patience, loving them, Troy, need to EXUDE kindness ....

yeah 

then i realized a couple days of ago, that Kindness is not the problem or solution.  My mental & heart are the issues- i really need to change those to see the difference.  

so with that, i need to shift in my head & heart & PREPARE.  If i prepare & push my mental BS out of the way, then I be kind to Troy.  I can shove my selfishness down, when i'm tired, i can make an extra effort to say a kind word or action.

I can be kinder to the kids. taking a breath to PREPARE myself for CHAOS & understanding that the chaos will end.  The mess will NOT be that hard to clean up.  The WORLD will not end if their is mess.  it will be okay.  

Prepare means knowing that I am a happier person when i work out.  Preparing my body & emotional state to be the caregiver means working out.