I'm finally feeling some relief & stress start to slip away.  First changes i made- i had to give myself permission to feel the guilt, ugly feelings of not wanting to work.

then i had to get in control of work

i did this by planning out my next couple of weeks.  i ran off photo copies for oct & part of november. ran off coloring sheets & printables thru november.

it took time- it's a matter of which causes less stress

doing the prep every week or doing the prep once a month.

BUT now i need to let go. not worry about the classes in between planning sessions. NOT worry about coming up with new ideas for the next month.I'm always afriad i'm going to run out of ideas.  That has not happened yet. so why do i worry it.  It didn't happen, before the interner & pinterest in particular. so i need to let go of this idea.  it is IMPOSSIBLe to run out of ideas.  i need to keep telling myself that

same with the parent-tot class- the prep time is still there- it's just does it work better in a huge chunk & "set it & forget it" or is it better one class at a time.  I don't think i get that luxury in the winter - b/c there are 2 clases every monht.  I may have to just work 2 classes ahead of time.  we will see.  This week was a HUGE milestone- i didn't bring ANYTHING home with me on thursday. I wouldn't have brought stuff home on tuesday, except chloe was boogery all over the toys.  

something has that has helped=is being more purposeful with my time.  

it's going better.  I have swam 2 wednesday in a row. it is so relaxing, once i get past the first 15-20 mins hump. then i could just stay in the water floating  & kicking, & moving for a long time.

The dogs have gotten to the dog park 3 times this week_ BECAUSE_ i wasn't consumed with work stuff. they got to benefit from my balance.  AND I benefitted THREE TIMES- b/c i'm outside with the dogs, i don't have guilt over not taking care of dogs, dogs are crazy ass holes at night.

I need to tatoo that on my forehead- BALANCE equals happiness & benefits unmeasurable.

Today i changed sheets, cleaned toilets, running laurndy like crazy. did the menu, cleaned out the fridge.

getting dressed, eyebrow waxed, lynn & swim

after typing out several posts, makes me wonder why i don't try to spend more time trying to write out my thoughts.

i feel so much better after expressing & sharing my feelings.  it's so odd how typing out feelings is so therapeutic compared to just thinking these crazy thoughts.  seriously like 100 times better.  i need to remember the next time i'm feeling stressed to just type it out.  or write it out.

i see reading back thru my last entries i've been dealing with this stress & anxiety & fear of failure for over a month now.  This is where it has to end.  This is just silliness.  I just have to breather& remember i spent 4 years learning from awesome people how to be in early childhood.  i know this shit. i got this shit, i need to NOT be so crazy & weird.

what do i think the parents are expecting:

a fun, safe & friendly class, with a caring friendly teacher

free play, time to meet new friends, chance to observe their child in play,

a fun easy low mess project.

What my crazy thoughts MAKE it look like the parent's expect:

professionalism, personalized experience, creme de las creme projects. preschool 

i can feel the stress making me tired.  i feel like my body & mind is beginning to "will" a surrender of the war. i can feel the relief coming.  

just remember, they aren't in class to see you, they are in class for the benefit of their child.

i had a really interesting talk with karen today.  i think i figured out some of my stress & other metnal issues.  I think i have been feeling a bit of grief for the year that i wanted to have. a year of not working & helping a lot in the kids school.  i think i need to mourn the loss of what i had perceived as my hopeful year. I 'm feeling a little resnetful by how much time this "little job" is taking up.  I took it thinking it was going to be easy-peasy no thinking required.  so far i have logged around 5-10 hours a week getting ready for 4 classes. that's a little ridicoulous when i see that number.  what on earth have i been doing & why?

I know some of this is coming from the beginning of walking into a job interview mainly for hte money.  I really just wanted the money.  the ability to pay for my own stuff, & not pay out of my dad's money.  i should have given it more consideration once i found out lynn didn't have any information. but i thought karrie had the info.  i should have really asked myself & troy if  a start up job was something i really wanted to take on right now.

Then there's the time consuming blessing of supplies. something that would have driven me batty- running around for supplies during the week & having to skimp on supplies.  What a blessing that i have a ton of supplies-now i'm just trying to get used to what i have- so i don't have to run around.

the first thursday class felt aweful & stressful- teh 2nd class (which i led) was awesome, peaceful, it flowed, it felt natural.

tuesday classes were rough not as bad as thursday, but still the first time didn't flow.  I'm hoping after tomorrow i can follow up this post- feeling better, more confident that what i'm doing is meeting the expectations of parents.

now i have thursday night class & i think my problem with that class is the fact that i'm not really organized - i really needed to make a supply list from the start instead of writing out the supplies & ideas 10 times on different paper.

so next class- make a decision & gather supplies quicker- don't roll it over in your head a thousand times.  maybe that will help me release the mental gymanstics.  i have been thinking about this ice cream class for so long.  And that make senses, it's not right that i have spent so much mental energy thinking about it, but it makes senses b/c i didn't have supplies etc.  I thought i was going to have to make up all my own supplies.  

but now that i know what i have- i wonder how it would feel different if i made the "safari" box up immeditaly after the ice cream party & left a supply/snack list in the box.  Would i be able to mental walk away & not think about it anymore

ps i need to excercise.