ARGH! I'm having the weird stressed out dreams again.  I know it is partially due to a hot sleeping enviroment.  2 nights ago, it was the dreaded out of control tornado dream. Last night, it was troy refused to drive me to class on time. I got there at 415 for a 430 class. at the RMPD teen center for a AH class. The class theme was dinosaurs geared to preteens.  I had nothing prepared.  I wasn't sure if i was supposed to be in the building or how to get my class list.  Barb bassatt was there- she opened the building for me.  I realized that the teen center had been remodeled to add a huge indoor playground.

what a mess!  I hope my next couple of week's aren't filled with this awful dreams.

I know part of the stress is next week with school & the bus.  I feel such guilt over the bus.  Since it gets here so early & They have to be on it for so long.  BUt i'm still very hopeful that the bus will be the answer to carle's slow moving mornings. (at least for a couple of months)

i was writing about my anxiety & lack of self confidence in my new job.  after talking with troy, i reazlied how frustrated I am with my new boss.  No one has the time to show me where i will be working.  If i can see the room, then i can start planning, knowing the space & supplies.
Troy suggested i just go over by myself.
he also suggested, maybe i releax a bit. maybe my boss is planning to spend time with me after her camps.  Maybe she already has it on her to do list, to bring me to the room.

I need to decide, can i wait until boss contacts me or until Marie & I go over there in 2 weeks or do i need to see it this week

If i see it this week & it sucks, then i might be heart broken.
if i see it this week & it rocks & has letter stampers, then i'm all set for my first class & i can be confident in my curriculmn choices!

so i had this weird internal issue peek up.  I unexpectedly got a part time job at AHPD.  running parent-tot classes etc.  Right up my alley.  BUT i've been dealing with some weird anxiety & lack of confidence.  I think it is mainly b/c my supervisor is not helpful or very supportive.  She had no information about the class content.  Kept sending me back to talk to Karrie.  took 2 weeks to email me back & then asked for brochure copy with no additional info (SMH!)

but this weird insecurity, peeked thru yesterday. I picked up the packet of stuff from Karrie's house.  I had been tossing around ideas for the first parent tot class: ice cream.  when i went thru karrie's stuff i found she had the same ideas that i had.
Instead of feeling fantastic that clearly i was on the right path.  I started freaking out.  i think, because i felt like my ideas were very original & unique.  That my ideas were going to mark me as the best parent-tot teacher ever.

apparently, i'm having some issues in regards to my learning curve.  I talked to troy about it.  he gave great insight.  i'm never incredible or star employee on DAY ONE.  there is an expected learning curve.  If i continue to put this crazy pressure on myself, i'll lose my mind or over spend in my classes to create the perfect class. or worse my craziness will rub off into the classes & make the parent's feel hurried & rushed to complete "stations" in my class.
i need to take a deep breath.
i need to remember that i was a "gold star" at BH, but i wasn't the ONLY ONE!  Kellie was a gold star & she & i did things differently from each other, just like Jena did things differently.  There is not one way for being a gold star.  Jena's strength is lesson planning, mine is the relationship building & the way i speak to kids.  I have to remember everything will fall into place.
It's hard cause i can't prepped for relationship building. so i'm trying to control & create the "best content every"  And when my BEST was the same as Karrie's, i felt crushed like aren't i supposed to be better than someone who didn't teach preschool...

Really i should have celebrated & said, yes i'm right on target with my thinking. My idea is fun, funky & age appropriate.

i'm going to work on that idea: my thinking is spot on.  The difference will be in how i execute it & make the parents feel comfortable.