lately i have been stressing about how i would make dinner/homework/baths/bed in a reasonable time frame..
A new challenge for me has yielded new opportunities for growth for the children. Last night, they helped make tuesday dinner & both helped clean up kitchen (more than usual)
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
letting go
seriously experience massive anxiety this weekend. as all my insane & inane TO DO lists popped in my head. literally popped...it felt like i had been doing nothing for dayz, then POP a hundred things to do..some of the classroom related things as i went to complete them, i realized the absurdity of them...they have great intentions but really there is not enough time in the day ...and that's okay. I also realized that no one expects me to rise that high above things.
I also realized after re-reading my new fav Sunny Mummy article. that i had become outcome driven in my classroom. i do think BH encourages this behavior by giving us near impossible task list to complete between documentation, daily charts, WITW, early learner, & Naeyc...amongst basic classroom maintenance.
"Who said we have to ‘do’ all this?
Who led us to believe that unless we were producing, be it a clean house, clean children, or part time degrees for that matter, we are somehow not good enough?
Why are we so outcome driven? Is it because many of us worked prior to having children, is it because we are scared that if we stop long enough, we may realise that motherhood is not what we thought it would be and we have never stopped long enough, to allow ourselves to enJOY it?
When did doing something {motherhood included}, become about the outcome and ticking a box, rather than experiencing the joy of actually doing it?
What’s missing?
When we rush around being productive, we feel like we have accomplished something. That we have used our time wisely and seen to the ‘seemingly’ important things.
What happens though, to all those moments that occur or could have occurred, had we NOT been rushing?
I’ll tell you, they fade into the background like a support act you have no interest in, whilst you wait for the REAL ACT to begin.
Slowing down results in DOING LESS and doing it WELL.
Don’t allow the everyday moments with yourself and your family, become the supporting act when they can be front and centre, rocking it out on the main stage.
We need to give ourselves permission to build our days around what is important to us and whilst clean floors may be high on your list {I admit, it is on mine}, nothing should be higher than looking after YOU and your family, in a way that enables you to enJOY the process and feel peace rather than PACE!"
I also realized after re-reading my new fav Sunny Mummy article. that i had become outcome driven in my classroom. i do think BH encourages this behavior by giving us near impossible task list to complete between documentation, daily charts, WITW, early learner, & Naeyc...amongst basic classroom maintenance.
"Who said we have to ‘do’ all this?
Who led us to believe that unless we were producing, be it a clean house, clean children, or part time degrees for that matter, we are somehow not good enough?
Why are we so outcome driven? Is it because many of us worked prior to having children, is it because we are scared that if we stop long enough, we may realise that motherhood is not what we thought it would be and we have never stopped long enough, to allow ourselves to enJOY it?
When did doing something {motherhood included}, become about the outcome and ticking a box, rather than experiencing the joy of actually doing it?
What’s missing?
When we rush around being productive, we feel like we have accomplished something. That we have used our time wisely and seen to the ‘seemingly’ important things.
What happens though, to all those moments that occur or could have occurred, had we NOT been rushing?
I’ll tell you, they fade into the background like a support act you have no interest in, whilst you wait for the REAL ACT to begin.
Slowing down results in DOING LESS and doing it WELL.
Don’t allow the everyday moments with yourself and your family, become the supporting act when they can be front and centre, rocking it out on the main stage.
We need to give ourselves permission to build our days around what is important to us and whilst clean floors may be high on your list {I admit, it is on mine}, nothing should be higher than looking after YOU and your family, in a way that enables you to enJOY the process and feel peace rather than PACE!"
changes..insert rug under feet
decided last week that i was going to stay home in june. this week, we decided i needed to talk to diana about changing my hours immediately. we purposed working 4 days, shortened days on T-Th & close on friday. waiting to hear in the next couple of weeks. feels counter productive to work more days, but they are shorter.
Troy is encouraging me to let go of the stress and wait until a decision has been made...
Troy is encouraging me to let go of the stress and wait until a decision has been made...
Monday, January 17, 2011
decision...for now...i think
after going back & forth with the idea of working 6:30-1:30, i realized a couple of things...
1. reminded again how our childcare would wash my paycheck (i would work seriously just for my fulfillment & enjoyment)
2. with those hours i would actually work 35 hours vs my 30 hours now.
3. sounds silly, but i wouldn't take a break & therefore would have 2 choices for lunch- eat the kids' food & gain weight or not eat until 2:15 when i get home...which would mess up dinner etc.
4. as i have heard my own voice talking to people (amy & heather) what i actually hear is: "i'm scared to leave work altogether & take a risk"
i can still sub, i can teach sunday school (& be fulfilled) i can host playdates, help in the classroom...all these things will fulfill me.
so there deep breathe- i for right now at this moment have made a decision to quit in june...gawd just typing that makes me hyperventilate
1. reminded again how our childcare would wash my paycheck (i would work seriously just for my fulfillment & enjoyment)
2. with those hours i would actually work 35 hours vs my 30 hours now.
3. sounds silly, but i wouldn't take a break & therefore would have 2 choices for lunch- eat the kids' food & gain weight or not eat until 2:15 when i get home...which would mess up dinner etc.
4. as i have heard my own voice talking to people (amy & heather) what i actually hear is: "i'm scared to leave work altogether & take a risk"
i can still sub, i can teach sunday school (& be fulfilled) i can host playdates, help in the classroom...all these things will fulfill me.
so there deep breathe- i for right now at this moment have made a decision to quit in june...gawd just typing that makes me hyperventilate
Friday, January 14, 2011
new day
my new plan of attack of only working on center stuff during my actual work week is going well. last night before i left work, i thought ahead to next week. carefully deciding how i will divide my time. last nite i chose to spend a little over an hour updating early learner. taking the time even through the tiredness to get it down so i don't have to waste energy during my weekend plus...paid off :P
today we went to visit amy, it was awesome to wake up & not focus on work...it's so silly to think of how invested in this center job i am. it was great to wake up & know i was going to visit such a wonderful friend. she had some really interesting insight. i was surprised by how shocked she was that i am still (as she says- you are still) toying with the idea of working 6:30-1:30.(7 hours a day & 5 days) 35 hours hmm wonder if i worked if i would get a lunch break or would i end up being chubby again from eating lunch w/ kids.
amy suggested i pray to God for wisdom & a decision.
today we went to visit amy, it was awesome to wake up & not focus on work...it's so silly to think of how invested in this center job i am. it was great to wake up & know i was going to visit such a wonderful friend. she had some really interesting insight. i was surprised by how shocked she was that i am still (as she says- you are still) toying with the idea of working 6:30-1:30.(7 hours a day & 5 days) 35 hours hmm wonder if i worked if i would get a lunch break or would i end up being chubby again from eating lunch w/ kids.
amy suggested i pray to God for wisdom & a decision.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
new rules for survival
new rules for survival thrival...not sure that is a word..but here's my AHA moment. it's a simple fact that if i want a top notch classroom, work is going to overflow into home. it stinks but I for myself, need to do my personal best (gag) but it's true...it's a huge motivator for me.
Anyways, since the work week is normally very long & overwhelming, i have started to do work on my off days. No more. If work is going to be done at home. it can only be done during my work week...i will include Monday evening (getting ready if necessary).
otherwise i am using my mornings to read email, fb & google reader. I can enjoy those things on my days off. Maybe this will help me feel like i can have time off & focus on the kids.
Anyways, since the work week is normally very long & overwhelming, i have started to do work on my off days. No more. If work is going to be done at home. it can only be done during my work week...i will include Monday evening (getting ready if necessary).
otherwise i am using my mornings to read email, fb & google reader. I can enjoy those things on my days off. Maybe this will help me feel like i can have time off & focus on the kids.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
this quote
this quote stopped me dead in my tracks today. it is from Mish Mash blog
Michelle: I think I have written before but want to reiterate that I have never met anyone who so obviously loves their children with such a pure, unshakable unconditional love as you do. I was a single parent struggling to just put one foot in front of the other while keeping my fingers crossed that the electricity had not been disconnected. I never really got to enjoy the kids.That is why God gives us a "do-over" with our grandchildren. Reading your blog in ways makes me sad for what could have been but incredibly happy for what can be and is with my beautiful grandchildren. Your children are blessed beyond compare.
Truly, looking at life through the rear view--the past--shines a light on the good, the bad, and the ugly. But it gives us insight, so that the road ahead can be better in spite of the bumps. We don't get a do-over, but each day is a clean slate and a new chance to get it right.
This is what it is all about.
Michelle: I think I have written before but want to reiterate that I have never met anyone who so obviously loves their children with such a pure, unshakable unconditional love as you do. I was a single parent struggling to just put one foot in front of the other while keeping my fingers crossed that the electricity had not been disconnected. I never really got to enjoy the kids.That is why God gives us a "do-over" with our grandchildren. Reading your blog in ways makes me sad for what could have been but incredibly happy for what can be and is with my beautiful grandchildren. Your children are blessed beyond compare.
Truly, looking at life through the rear view--the past--shines a light on the good, the bad, and the ugly. But it gives us insight, so that the road ahead can be better in spite of the bumps. We don't get a do-over, but each day is a clean slate and a new chance to get it right.
This is what it is all about.
ramblings
geez, never would have thought this decision required so much thought & anticipation. I have had several conversations this week from other SAH or part time moms who re-affirm my decision without a doubt.
I feel like i am keeping a big dark secret from work. this is probalby the hardest thing...to know i won't be telliing work for 3 more months. that my plans have to stay mum.
Troy is getting his physical this week, fantastic. this is one of the step's we need to take before i leave my job. We need to make sure both of us are healthy. & with everything with his dad, it's good to check.
I feel like i am keeping a big dark secret from work. this is probalby the hardest thing...to know i won't be telliing work for 3 more months. that my plans have to stay mum.
Troy is getting his physical this week, fantastic. this is one of the step's we need to take before i leave my job. We need to make sure both of us are healthy. & with everything with his dad, it's good to check.
so much work, non stop mondays
on monday i was sitting on the bathroom stool, finishing casey's shower. & sighing about how much work there is to do in the house. it was a moment of clarity, how could i possible thing i will be bored. There is always something to do in the house. I emailed an old high school buddy about her SAH schedule & regrets. I wonder if she thought i was crazy...
so there will be moments of laziness...maybe i need to stop going, going, going & start appreciating these moments.
as i realized this past weekend, much of my home time right now is spent doing work stuff.
Here is my tentative plan for summer to manage both kids & house
Maybe look at cleaning M-W, lazy days thurs/friday
i would want to create some sort of cleaning schedule, so i can feel productive & not be cleaning the same thing over & over...
Swimming lessons
so there will be moments of laziness...maybe i need to stop going, going, going & start appreciating these moments.
as i realized this past weekend, much of my home time right now is spent doing work stuff.
Here is my tentative plan for summer to manage both kids & house
Maybe look at cleaning M-W, lazy days thurs/friday
i would want to create some sort of cleaning schedule, so i can feel productive & not be cleaning the same thing over & over...
Swimming lessons
Sunday, January 9, 2011
wasted time
in an AHA moment, i realized so much of my time & energy is being wasted on work things. This overwhelming desire to get NAEYC done in one crack. it's crazy. i think i am worried about not being able to keep up on the work, hence why i "power burst" through it, as Patti suggests.
i don't know what i need to do, to not have anxiety over this. should i schedule things out? would that help me out...i don't know...but i have spent too much time & energy stressing over Naeyc. which is ridiculous, cause 2 weeks ago, i was even thinking about time consuming NAEYC. but now i have this very silly notion that i must prepare to leave in 5 months, and leave everything up to date...which is a pretty high expectation on myself. Maybe if i commit to a smaller time schedule in writing it will be better.
i don't know what i need to do, to not have anxiety over this. should i schedule things out? would that help me out...i don't know...but i have spent too much time & energy stressing over Naeyc. which is ridiculous, cause 2 weeks ago, i was even thinking about time consuming NAEYC. but now i have this very silly notion that i must prepare to leave in 5 months, and leave everything up to date...which is a pretty high expectation on myself. Maybe if i commit to a smaller time schedule in writing it will be better.
great week breeds doubt
this has been a very conflicting week. it was a fantastic week in my classroom. it wasn't that the children were fab, cause they are only 2, Actually i felt at peace again in my room w/ the kiddos. I was okay w/ the stress of 2's. I also had a very productive week in the classroom-finished re-arranging shelves, printed off toy labels. made progress. i wonder if my "good" weeks are connected with a larger classroom project.
On the other hand, as i was changing my room, i was thinking about how in 5 months a new teacher will be in the room. and how i want to set up systems (toy rotation & cleaning) for a new teacher to follow. Similar to the pleasure i found in creating the Star of the month, knowing i would only have to manage this until June. Knowing an end is in sight.
but then again, this week made me think about working 6:30-1:00pm... i have definitely accepted that i will not be working this 3 day current time schedule next year. It is not working in our family's favor. it was confirmed again this week...with the water pipe drama. feeding the kids at 7:30pm & doing homework w/ breakfast doesn't work. so i got that...loud & clear!!!
so what will work best for my family & me next year...???
There appears to be 2 options. not work (work only as a sub as needed) but for all intents not work...
or work a modified schedule...i do understand that i could convince myself that a modified schedule and debbie could say no.
On the other hand, as i was changing my room, i was thinking about how in 5 months a new teacher will be in the room. and how i want to set up systems (toy rotation & cleaning) for a new teacher to follow. Similar to the pleasure i found in creating the Star of the month, knowing i would only have to manage this until June. Knowing an end is in sight.
but then again, this week made me think about working 6:30-1:00pm... i have definitely accepted that i will not be working this 3 day current time schedule next year. It is not working in our family's favor. it was confirmed again this week...with the water pipe drama. feeding the kids at 7:30pm & doing homework w/ breakfast doesn't work. so i got that...loud & clear!!!
so what will work best for my family & me next year...???
There appears to be 2 options. not work (work only as a sub as needed) but for all intents not work...
or work a modified schedule...i do understand that i could convince myself that a modified schedule and debbie could say no.
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