Finding the Joy & Inner Ramblings

i had a really interesting talk with karen today.  i think i figured out some of my stress & other metnal issues.  I think i have been feeling a bit of grief for the year that i wanted to have. a year of not working & helping a lot in the kids school.  i think i need to mourn the loss of what i had perceived as my hopeful year. I 'm feeling a little resnetful by how much time this "little job" is taking up.  I took it thinking it was going to be easy-peasy no thinking required.  so far i have logged around 5-10 hours a week getting ready for 4 classes. that's a little ridicoulous when i see that number.  what on earth have i been doing & why?

I know some of this is coming from the beginning of walking into a job interview mainly for hte money.  I really just wanted the money.  the ability to pay for my own stuff, & not pay out of my dad's money.  i should have given it more consideration once i found out lynn didn't have any information. but i thought karrie had the info.  i should have really asked myself & troy if  a start up job was something i really wanted to take on right now.

Then there's the time consuming blessing of supplies. something that would have driven me batty- running around for supplies during the week & having to skimp on supplies.  What a blessing that i have a ton of supplies-now i'm just trying to get used to what i have- so i don't have to run around.

the first thursday class felt aweful & stressful- teh 2nd class (which i led) was awesome, peaceful, it flowed, it felt natural.

tuesday classes were rough not as bad as thursday, but still the first time didn't flow.  I'm hoping after tomorrow i can follow up this post- feeling better, more confident that what i'm doing is meeting the expectations of parents.

now i have thursday night class & i think my problem with that class is the fact that i'm not really organized - i really needed to make a supply list from the start instead of writing out the supplies & ideas 10 times on different paper.

so next class- make a decision & gather supplies quicker- don't roll it over in your head a thousand times.  maybe that will help me release the mental gymanstics.  i have been thinking about this ice cream class for so long.  And that make senses, it's not right that i have spent so much mental energy thinking about it, but it makes senses b/c i didn't have supplies etc.  I thought i was going to have to make up all my own supplies.  

but now that i know what i have- i wonder how it would feel different if i made the "safari" box up immeditaly after the ice cream party & left a supply/snack list in the box.  Would i be able to mental walk away & not think about it anymore

ps i need to excercise.