little change of focus. aunt diane called on sunday & expressed concern about my mom & her health.  It had taken days to work out a time to talk to Tami about it.  We talked for almost an hour & half.  then my mom hung up on me b/c i forgot to send vday cards & have the kids call.  WTF!  That's irritating.  I have been a little overwhelmed with life currently.  AND she did talk to me yesterday, why didn't she mention VDAY.  I wonder if Harvey forgot too.  how annoying to have spent all this time & energy investigating what Diane said & i can't tell her...but she craps on me. 

this must be some sort of spiritual attack.  Just as Troy finishes recommending some bible passages. My aunt diane calls with vent & concern about my mom.  Whereas, my mom had vented earlier about Diane. 
diane is concerned about my mother's happiness.  I was thinking about calling harvey today, but i don't think i can trust him to not say anything or carry this weight.  I think i will try calling aunt tami & get a semi- outsider perspective. 

I feel so good, alive energy Pulsing thru my body I feel connected to Casey now why is this? Is it the Xanax? The excerise ? The fact that Harry is st the house finishing the work?
The blogging and releasing my thoughts? The random fun day out of the house. The fact I left my iPad in the car and most of my time has been spent playing or way hint him? The almost full nite of sleep w my mouth guard in? The egg i had for Snack. Whatever it is- the is how I want to feel !! More frequently instead of sluggish? Or anxious waiting for a reply online of on fb I do think the journal is helping. And. Oe they obscene an iPhone I can journal anywhere and do t have to wait unt I get home
Era I think staying off the car seat board is helping too I was having massive anxiety about car accidents because of all the articles of tradegy on that board

ya i did pretty good yesterday with staying off the net or at least pick better times to go online.  I need to continue improve my dinner time browsing.  Last night helped, b/c i couldn't get online.
Now i did just check VS- E has logged in. and of course my first thought in my head is she is going to disapprove of the long time slots.  why does my brain go there?  why does it really matter if she doens't like it.  the suggestion will either be change it & then Lysa will tell her that L picked the times or don't change it.  The chances of her being able to help are pretty slim.  So i need to remember i'm not catering the schedule to her.  I also need to the sit on the feeling on wanting to email her & let her know i will accomdate & help her do shorten hours.  NOT my job or place to throw that out there.  If she wants that, she will ask.  She is not someone to keep her mouth shut.  Okay so deep breath.  Don't check again until the PM.  & let it go. you are not responsible for people committing to the schedule- you are responsible for setting it up in a easy to understand, quick to use manner.  And that's what you have done. You can't control others schedules or their desire to help out.  Let it go!!!!

Now i need to set & abide by a boundary with the TK stuff.  I have sent out the primary emails to senior volunteers & the VS link.  I have contacted Bob- set up/take down & Nancy (change in set up)
NOW I need to let it go.  Not check it obsessively.  I can check it 2 times a day until we get closer to Feb 19th.  I know denice & Elisa have very busy schedules & it will take them about a week to commit if they can.  I hope that they either commit or send me an email saying that they can not commit. I don't want to have to ask them come Feb 19th. 
Okay so letting it go & FEELING GOOD that i met my goal & it looks nice- it is easy to follow.

i just sent out the volunteerspot link for the senior volunteers.  I am crossing my fingers that this goes smoothly.  i am really worried that some jerks are going to complain that the shifts are too long, whilst last year they complained the shifts were too short.  maybe one of them won't feel up to helping, that would be cool.  If the other one helps on Friday pm or Sunday pm- that would be ideal. i am excited to see where Nancy is going to sign up & if Diana is feeling up to helping.  I do need to send Bob a separate email.  i better do that right now...

i am still sorting out all this crazy shit in my head.  I think i nailed it on the head yesterday talking about fearing of not wanting to turn into Her.  But now today, i am wondering how do i get myself off the internet & to be present with my kids.  I do think i did okay today at the end of the TK stuff.  I told Lysa i don't want to spend any more time away from my family to do the schedule- so answer how you want it.
but i also choose to stop working on it & go read with Carlie & i have to remind myself that I actually can feel okay with delayed gratification ...sometimes b/c i am unhappy with the dog stuff, i want to rush & push through it so that i don't have to deal with it. 
jennifer at sunday school mentioned - how she loves to read during hte week & is worried if she starts to Pin that she won't read.  I admire that kind of discpline.  what happened to my discpline?  did i ever have it?  i get so tired in the middle of the day.  Maybe I need to drink a big glass of water & walk the dogs.  i am not sure if i am having some sort of problem isolated from Troy's issues or if i am feeling the spill over effect.  I realized that on a superficial level i feel good when posting online b/c of the feedback from other people.  which i realize is crazy cakes- b/c 1/2 of them probalby aren't real.  and who really gives a crap if Yuanita likes my posts.  i think it is also part of a habit.  just now i was watching the