i am still sorting out all this crazy shit in my head.  I think i nailed it on the head yesterday talking about fearing of not wanting to turn into Her.  But now today, i am wondering how do i get myself off the internet & to be present with my kids.  I do think i did okay today at the end of the TK stuff.  I told Lysa i don't want to spend any more time away from my family to do the schedule- so answer how you want it.
but i also choose to stop working on it & go read with Carlie & i have to remind myself that I actually can feel okay with delayed gratification ...sometimes b/c i am unhappy with the dog stuff, i want to rush & push through it so that i don't have to deal with it. 
jennifer at sunday school mentioned - how she loves to read during hte week & is worried if she starts to Pin that she won't read.  I admire that kind of discpline.  what happened to my discpline?  did i ever have it?  i get so tired in the middle of the day.  Maybe I need to drink a big glass of water & walk the dogs.  i am not sure if i am having some sort of problem isolated from Troy's issues or if i am feeling the spill over effect.  I realized that on a superficial level i feel good when posting online b/c of the feedback from other people.  which i realize is crazy cakes- b/c 1/2 of them probalby aren't real.  and who really gives a crap if Yuanita likes my posts.  i think it is also part of a habit.  just now i was watching the

i think i need to just soak up these wririntg  and focus on how cn i feel confiednent in myself to not become her? i am saddned that our relationship is non
Hi Amanda- grr email.  I am glad to hear that it made you smile.  I didn't know if you would think i was "high" writing all kooky & warm/fuzzy!  But i did mean it!  Things i hope are slowly getting back to a different kind of normal.  Troy returns to CDW this friday.  He could really use prayers for his shaken confidence & these anxiety attacks.    listen- i know this is going to sound crazy & a bit too late- but i need to get this off my chest- the reason i didn't want Casey in the booster- had nothing to do with you, but i was worried that if i had said yes to you, that Kathi would take advantage of it next time the kids are with her.  She has had Carlie in the booster before, when i have asked her not to.  (granted troy was there & didn't say anything) but being a semi pussy, i just couldn't get the words out- i was trying to form them in my head into some humorous reply about -just b/c Amanda's such a safe driver- but they didn't come out.  even though I am sure (or at least hope) you haven't even thought about it more than once- it has really bothered me & i really wanted to tell you.  i hope if it bothered you, you would feel open to tell me.  She told me- in her drunkness- by poking fun at me. YAY! mother in law.   I know she is going to take great care of your boys, feel free to be very specific in your requests. besides i think we are meeting her at Lambs Farm (in kenosha) one day.  okay well i think i have convinced you on my crazyness now. 

is it really about car seats or is it about something else.  God continues to knock me over the head with this lesson- I CAN NOT CONTROL OTHERS!!!!!!!!  WHY CAN"T I ACCEPT THIS & MOVE ON!  i can't control how you feel about my parenting. (whether b/c you really don't get it or b/c you are jealous) it's not enough about getting thicker skin- although that would help significantly- it is about accepting the changes i can make.  making the changes i can make & moving forward.  I was hoping for a more connected relationship with you.  but maybe right now is not the time.  maybe you need to meet me half way before i can trust & build.  maybe now is not the time.  but how do i let go of these feelings. how do i free myself from the anger and resentment.  how how how?
how can i conquer my fear of turning into you?  i do not fear that i will become like my mother -unable to reach out for help. b/c i have a "need" for connections with others- it's wired into me.  i'm different from her like that.  it is definilty genetics there.  BUT i do have a tendency to think my way is the best way- i THINK i am learning that there are many different ways.  i feel semi confident that i will continue to grow & develop.  but what if i don't...will that transform me into Her?  unkind, manipulative,

i missed the boat on the last post. what i would like to tell her- is to shut the FUCK up - you were as "mother bear" as i am- But you were out of self pride- I am out of education and learning.  you were ignorant, a victim of a cycle of abusive parenting.  I have the advantages to an education & continued learning about the changing world.  You parented with BLINDERS.  I FEAR that one day I will parent with blinders- unable to accept help or advice.  That's some scary shit!  But you were so full of yourself (or too busy putting on the face) to ask for help.  YOu know mothers are not born knowing how to parent.  you did the best you could do.  you need to accept that.  BUT i can do better, don't you want me to parent better than you did?  don't you want your grandkids to be even better parents?  IS this part of the cycle of abuse, not being able to see beyond your experience for fear or pride?    please stop judging & making fun of me.  i am trying to learn & grow. 

just for the record

here's what i would like to say, if i knew it would hurt her (yep i am sick & mean like that- why do i want to hurt her, b/c she is not nice to me and when push comes to shove- she will push me under that bus any given day)
if i knew it would hurt her, perhaps enough, to make her change.  Why do i think i can get her to change- because i don't like the way she is?  why am i being a jerk & expectating her to change.  Maybe she likes who she is?  maybe her friends like the way she is?  how can i be so arrogant to command her to change just so that I don't have to fight with her over rules?  why do i think she is missing out on life, but not being willing to learn new things? what is wrong with me?
would it be easiest to say that WHO SHE IS, is EVERYTHING i am against.  Controlling, super opinated, not willing to listen,  not willing or able to learn & grow.  maybe that's it.  Maybe it's easy to say - she is the opposite of people i want to hang out with...She is the OPPOSITE OF WHAT I WANT TO BE!  Am i scared that I will turn into her?  i am definitly worried about my son treating me like her sons do....but is that b/c of who the Boys are. or b/c of who she is?  Would relationships be real if she didn't offer an opinion or remark every time? or is there something in their relationship that is wonky?
it would break my heart if casey treated me with the same disdain & blah that She is met with...but this does seem to be a 2 way street.  she appears to be more time & energy into her friends than her family.  She has absolutely no "like" for me.  she clearly disagrees with everything i do.    does it irk me that she preaches & lectures about health but is still lazy & overweight- OMG YES!  BUT Even more it scares the beejezus out of me- how does someone get like that- to the point that they feel high & almighty to inform others what they should do & not do it. 
i guess out of this random tangent i am learning that i DO NOT surround myself with people like her.  I choose to have positive friends who grow.  And secondly, i am terrified to turn into her.  b/c i don't think deep down she is happy.  And i want to be happy & I want to be valuable (& serving a purpose) in my relationships. 

2nd part- a lot louder & a whole lot worse

right okay so we have established that the conversations in my head need to stop.  HOW!?  Do i write her a letter?  but then i have to commit to making it better also hmm not sure i want to commit
Do i intentional focus my energy to something more positive?
Why am i focusing on negative energy instead of building up the postive energy around me?  WHy am i so fixated on being angry? 
Do i have unresolved anger issues with troy about this job ? is it the possibilty of H drinking making me mad?  what gives?

crazy thoughts & background

I'm back. and i have brought with me, my fair share of crazy thoughts in my head. Currently with all the chaos in life- i have resorted back to spending heaps of time & energy into that Woman again.  I think their are a couple of things going on.
first- i think it is far easier for me to think of confronting her than it is to confront the chaos of life. with the new job, old job, office, lower paycheck, frustrations with him in general.  & as my mom calls to me that H is possibly drinking again- i find my desire to tell the Woman off stronger & stronger.  It's like when i lose control of my life- i begin to scape goat into hers.
i can't control if my stepdad is drinking- but i can control how i talk to Her.
i told you pure crazy talk

Second- my wimpy little feelings were hurt again..by Her.  Banging head on wall.  I was bothered at the holidays how she made fun of my dislike of booster seats.  Then last week, criticized how much the office cost.  instead of saying something- because that would require me to A) not care how she feels/reacts or B) grow a backbone.  i sit  & stew.

So these are the 2 problems in my crazy little head that cause me to spend heaps of free time thinking about it.

She said at the holidays she wished we were closer, but makes no effort on her part. either by calling or by asking why i want to car seat vs boosters.  Its Her way or hte highway.  Quite frankly it bothers me not just for the crazy reasons- but there is NO ONE else in my life who is so stubborn, hot headed, & opinated.  Most people agree to disagree- not her. 
and it concerns me that the kids will get into an accident & one of them will be hurt b/c she switched them to a booster.  The trust bothers me.