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okay so working out has stopped since the end of summer. I was doing great about prioritzing working out before anything else in the day.
Now 2 months into school, i find myself frustrated because i'm have time in my schedule but working out right away in the morning isn't happening.JUST this morning i realize it's not happening because i have computer work etc to get done in the am when my energy is the highest & most creative.
since i have art & music prep & newsletter stuff
work stuff (not too much just a little)
would like to blog/PAHM

i'm finding that i've cut back on my morning social get togethers so on a "normal day"
Excluding no school days, or appointment days (like this morning i have to go to grooming)
i'm finding that my energy is blah until 745 & then awesome until about 10.  Then at 10 i tend to get distracted, maybe take an hour to get ready...then hang around & then find i need to eat lunch...then i have errands. i finally run errands & then go directly to the school to get kids....
so i think i need to just flip my expectations & schedule

in the future
coffee
work (creative work, AMA, physical chores)
breakfast
workout
etc

this new schedule would put my workout around 10am...i think this will work just fine

next week i will try it,
monday-coffee, creative, workout (or breakfast first)
Wednesday same but maybe break because of PEACE
thursday same
friday same

so here we are at the end ...again.  many parts of our summer were incredible. the first 5 weeks of no outside classes etc was incredible. key to that success not allowing tv in the am. & I work out every day.  kept us all on track ...which is why the last 3 weeks have bombed. no schedule. loosy goosy.

POP VBS was perfect & 2 weeks of day camp towards the end of summer was great too.

1/2 day camp made it impossible to get anything productive done in my "kid free time"

overall things went well :)

hmm i don't remember why i opened blogger..i opened it for a specific reason _not summer or work...

eeck i can feel the work anxiety overwhelming me again.  I have put SO MANY tools in place to prevent anxiety with work stuff. i have planned out my entire 12 week class. I have printed out the articles already. i have solid plans in my hand.

And yet, as i watch the registration numbers sky rocket up towards closing many of my classes in just a matter of a couple hours. i'm starting to panic.  i'm worried that people are signing up & i will not be able to meet their expectations. 

i need to shift my thoughts. first off i didn't know how to view my numbers until my classes were already full last year.  Then it made sense when my subsequent sessions filled up...i already knew who was coming back etc. 

i need to do a couple of things

1. not go online to watch registration numbers.  I know my classes are going to fill already, why drive myself crazy stalking numbers.  I know my time together, on my way 10am & 11am are going to fill)

2. i need to not attribute the filling till of the classes to my teaching. or me. this puts too much pressure on myself.  the classes filled with wait lists prior to me teaching them.  they are popular classes in part to karrie building the classes strong & the content for the ages.  The newish toddler class, i knew that was going to fill last year ...because there is nothing like it in the book.  

to summarize

1. no online stalking

2. classes are popular because.

    1. karrie built & designed strong classes.  content & age that is popular

     2.  the classes are unique to the park district. there are very few other toddler classes & On my way is the only transition class offered at AHPD.

I know they are all going to fill. I have been talking with troy about working 4-5 classes this year. counting on it.  don't get freaked out when that happens. 

so this year with working, i discovered that i have some issues with self esteems vs previous body issues.  i think listening to Cassey & Pop pilates has made me content & okay with my body. but now i have self doubt & lack of confidence. i talked to troy & my mom & realized that not having feedback from my supervisor is harder on me then i had thought.

however, as i wrap up this school year, i know i have finally found my groove & know how to do it better next year. i know that i won't need to spend hours & hours of physical run around energy & mental energy to start up the year. 

so i had a issue arise with work. i was feeling frustrated that lynn only talks to me when there is a problem. she hasn't visited my classes or shows any interests in who i am as a teacher. i was feeling frustrated that i felt like i had to judge my character to her....but now a week later, i'm feeling much better.

i realize it is far better that she is hands off & it is a sign that she trusts me & thinks i'm doing okay. 

as the school year is unraveling, it is moving so fast. we are getting ready for the baseball game. i hate this event. i hate the whole day. i hate that i have to "work/help" it's not my stupid event & i am expectated to help.  i wish i didn't have to pay since i have to help.  we have to get there early & help set up, help clean. and then watch the stupid game.

i'm hoping if i can let lose & vent here that i will have a more positive attitude on saturday. i'm really really happy that this event is not in august anymore.  get it over & done with in the summer. 

that's a huge bonus

On the eve of my last class, I'm finding myself full of emotions. I surprised to find myself a little sad to be finished since I won't see these kids again. I'm so beyond happy to be fine working, I actually feel guilty.
Them I feel frustration for not knowing if the locks will be working or there tomorrow.

I've also made it thru the busiest week of my year! YAY! troy has been a HUGE help this week. I need to make sure to tell him this!

Starting to look ahead to next year, definitely need to make some big changes.  Now there won't be a Walk thru event at church next year, so that's one thing off the plate. 

I need to move art, if possible

if possible need to move my new class starting either forward or back a week. 

so let's see...about to start he busy week of my year.  no seriously.  I don't want to sound whiny but damn there is a ridiculous amount of stuff.

Monday- art 

Tuesday- work/ drop off Chili at POP during school pick up 

Wednesday- art/staff lunch at POP

Thursday-work double class (new class) 9-2pm! YIKES!  show booth & lysa dinner

Friday- vet, drop cookies & money box off at 1pm. Work show 5pm.  

Saturday-Walk thru the bible 9-12:30, drop boomie off at booth at 1pm.  

Sunday- xenia pick up 

monday- peace

tuesday- no class, nails done & library

Wednesday-

Thursday- double class (easy dinner)

Friday lunch duty, double stephanie appt. 

i was just reading some of my past entries. reflecting on how things have changed in my head, since i took my job.  how things are going so much better. so much smoother.  I do plan out 2 months at a time. & do the prep work in bulk.  i've found it easier (or know the right places to look for ideas) to come up with simple cute ideas.  I don't really think about the class until sunday night - when i wonder if i have a book & craft ready or do i need to do any prep.  I think about it briefly on monday night before bed & that's it.

it's really wonderful.  I really needed to give myself the permission to have a learning curve.  Now i'm over it & think i'm doing great

But reading over the summer stuff- i wanted to reflect that it was a GREAT SUMMER.  i didn't dawdle as much online & really tried to make "game plans" the night before.  Talking the day out ahead of time with the kids- really helped.  Looking forward to another fun summer...soon!

okay so i'm maybe 5 classes into the tuesday class. i can't believe how different it feels that the first time around.  I'm not sure if it's just the kids, the fact that the 9am is almost all 2.5 years old.  Or the structure of the class. I'm almost feeling bored in the class. that's a crazy thought!

it is running so smoothly, i can't remember what specifically stressed me out last time.

i really feel good about having a structure & game plan.  I feel like i've told the parents expectations up front.  I even remind the parent's that they signed up to help. first time around i barely knew who was helping.  i never really checked it for my personal use.

the projects are going well. i think it helps that i've added more songs & movement. less story books- i actually shorten some of the books still. having the props for reading helps too. 

Awesome moment- it's what IT is all about

yesterday, things were moving down hill for carlie.  she hadn't eaten enough food by the time i saw her after school. she was very frustrated with her snack that i brought.  We went to the ortho- she was still very crabby at the end. we had 30 mins to fill before art. not enough time to run home & get another snack.  too cold to be outside.  

We went to norma's coffee, the kids had blueberry muffins, i had a cafe au lait & we played hang man for 30 mins.  i stayed off my phone & focused on them.  Carlie was very funny & clever. casey enjoyed being able to finally understand the game.

NEED to do more stuff like this.

i'm having anxiety attacks over feeling inadequate & indecisive about the parent tot classes.  I am back to worrying about how the class is a one shot deal, what if it sucks . what if what i have planned is lame.  I'm not sure how to stop myself from self doubt.  I try to remind myself 3 things:

1. the class is only 45 minutes

2. this content is good enough for my other classes, why not PT?

3. Parents do not want mess or complicated projects.  Want something fast & easy & child friendly.

I'm hoping that if i confirm & buy the items needed for the next couple of parties i can begin to relax again.

some things on my TO DO List that shouldn't be there. (literally they are not TO DO's, but statements)

Things/Places

Bocca Evanston

space needed between object & macro lens

teen mother choices 

Dog cartoon website

NWCH dog therapy program

Books-

7 min solution

When pigcasso met Mootasie

Eat Pray Love

Maryann Malloy- club about art instutide mini rooms

the bride wore size 12

beyond expectations

intant mom

alfie kohen (grades /homework study)

carkl hassisan Bad Monkey

Ideals:

clutter is procrastination

of Ephesians 4:29 "...let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear

losing a friend.  so i think i've recently lost a friend.  I'm not sure if this person is intentionally pushing me away or just too busy for our friendship.  I suppose both are the same in thought but the of someone intentionally trying to push me away is sad.  i noticed my message and invitations to hang out are not being reciprocated.  The friend has time for other friends. 

i'm choosing to sit on it for now.  I've sent 2 text, a fb comment & an email that have been unanswered.  i will wait & either they will respond or not.  perhaps in decmemebr i will send a "thinking of you" message.  

 

i recently went to the dentist & driving around the shore area left a pit in my stomach.  I'm not exactly sure why- maybe it's b/c i know (even with my dad's inheritance) i will never be able to live on the shore. and i really do understand how much money it requires.  so falling short, makes me feel inadequate.  Part of me realized that all my talk about high school students being the big fish in their little sea is currently true for our family in our stature.  

too many things out of my control right now. kelly passing, grandpa passing, big hole in ceiling, cracked wall upstairs, dog ate half a magnet,

too many things that i can not control or even begin to manage. 

I'm finally feeling some relief & stress start to slip away.  First changes i made- i had to give myself permission to feel the guilt, ugly feelings of not wanting to work.

then i had to get in control of work

i did this by planning out my next couple of weeks.  i ran off photo copies for oct & part of november. ran off coloring sheets & printables thru november.

it took time- it's a matter of which causes less stress

doing the prep every week or doing the prep once a month.

BUT now i need to let go. not worry about the classes in between planning sessions. NOT worry about coming up with new ideas for the next month.I'm always afriad i'm going to run out of ideas.  That has not happened yet. so why do i worry it.  It didn't happen, before the interner & pinterest in particular. so i need to let go of this idea.  it is IMPOSSIBLe to run out of ideas.  i need to keep telling myself that

same with the parent-tot class- the prep time is still there- it's just does it work better in a huge chunk & "set it & forget it" or is it better one class at a time.  I don't think i get that luxury in the winter - b/c there are 2 clases every monht.  I may have to just work 2 classes ahead of time.  we will see.  This week was a HUGE milestone- i didn't bring ANYTHING home with me on thursday. I wouldn't have brought stuff home on tuesday, except chloe was boogery all over the toys.  

something has that has helped=is being more purposeful with my time.  

it's going better.  I have swam 2 wednesday in a row. it is so relaxing, once i get past the first 15-20 mins hump. then i could just stay in the water floating  & kicking, & moving for a long time.

The dogs have gotten to the dog park 3 times this week_ BECAUSE_ i wasn't consumed with work stuff. they got to benefit from my balance.  AND I benefitted THREE TIMES- b/c i'm outside with the dogs, i don't have guilt over not taking care of dogs, dogs are crazy ass holes at night.

I need to tatoo that on my forehead- BALANCE equals happiness & benefits unmeasurable.

Today i changed sheets, cleaned toilets, running laurndy like crazy. did the menu, cleaned out the fridge.

getting dressed, eyebrow waxed, lynn & swim

after typing out several posts, makes me wonder why i don't try to spend more time trying to write out my thoughts.

i feel so much better after expressing & sharing my feelings.  it's so odd how typing out feelings is so therapeutic compared to just thinking these crazy thoughts.  seriously like 100 times better.  i need to remember the next time i'm feeling stressed to just type it out.  or write it out.