well just like that in a blink of an eye, august is here. carlie goes back to school in a week & half.  It has been an amazing summer...summer of highs & lows.  but i am working through it.  I had some lows in june/july wondering if i have made the right decisions. then i worked 20 hours in one week, it felt like home to be back at the center...but now i don't really desire to go back.  perhaps when school starts, my feelings will change and i will want some extra cash.  The kids & i have gotten into a groove.  Troy & I are still working on a groove. 

I have more thoughts on the whole PAI situation, but for now, need to commit to I writing whenever I feel like going to the board or commenting, I will blog about it instead..or spend sometime focusing unreal relationships

Ugh so I fell back in with pai, even though my experience last time was not good. Again it happened. But Troy is right focus on people I really know. I really had not found Amy joy in being part of the board. It will take some practice to not check on the board. The emotions from talking to these people drive me nuts and
So I have taken a couple days to reflect on this...some good came out of the huge wasted t
Time. So the good was an exploration into what I believe...this also contributed to a great convo with troy

last day..it is finally here...there have been moments while the snow was falling & falling & falling into march...that i never thought June would arrive.
now that's it's here- i'm terrified.  i am back to the crazy WHAT IF's that i had back in Jan.  Seems like my confidence is shaken.  worried about losing friendships that were in existence b/c of work...need to breathe through today. 

last wednesday.  i'm tired, and un-interested.  what's wrong with me?  is this sadness or nervousness molded into something else?
sigh i think it's all the house projects, everything was going well and then yesterday. no tile company. not sure if harry is coming today.  (little worried about the guys painting the vaulted ceiling. the patio is being done today, i believe.  the fan is still buzzing.  i'm failing at having a positive attitude for helping my aunt pack next week. which sucks, i should have a bigger desire in my heart to help her.  it makes me feel like a rotten person!  ugh

last tuesday!  i can do this...i can do this...i'm going to try to not process what is going on ...like it this the last nap time i will do in Ch (at least for a while) just do it. process later!

Tuesday again.  once again i am met with dread & a case of the "not wanna go's".  I don't want to go to work...or i do want to see the adults but not do the work.  I'll admit it.  :)

I am also going to admit, i wish i could just mental checkout and be done...i'm sure there is a part of me that has done that already...and actually it's probably helping me to stay laid back and focus on nurturing vs curriculum.  but still i would love to not think of curriculmn today & just "hang out" with the kids...but i am already calculating the minimum number of projects i need to send home to make it appear that i haven't checked out & am still functioning as their teacher...
but i wish i didn't care about the parents opinion but i do....

such a whirlwind of emotions.  I realized last Wednesday that even though i have 9 days left at work, only 6 of them will be under my curriculum and teaching.
That i only need to have 6 days of worth of lessons/activities.  this was a bit shocking.  I had been feeling like 9 days was a long time. 
i can't decide if it is good that everything is changing...BH is changing directions, we are about to start the big migration of children, so even if i had stayed the room was about to change (phyiscally & group dynamic wise) the 3 big little girls are moving up...they have made parts of the day very enjoyable!  & 3 toddlers are moving in...don't know if or really how i would have handled 3 new littles.
the house is changing- this is a big one & right now we are in the throes of it.
the season is NOT changing, & that's probably helpful...making it not feel like summer is already here & blossoming.
Tv is even changing & although this is minute...as a lay in bed at night, i am reminded with each commercial that june is quickly approaching.

almost there...12 work days after today.  beginning to close up "the room". working on the last bit of documentation & our world board.  Almost...just keep swimming.  The kids workbooks & map are beginning to arrive.  getting excited.

i stayed unmotivated towards NAEYC yesterday.  The kids did a painting project & some other fun stuff...Casey had a high fever in the afternoon that took up the rest of my mental space.  thinking about him
mary is going to call my class parents today to tell them...so by staff meeting everyone will know.  i wasn't ready...or so i thought...but i was so excited to share with several people yesterday

having a hard time being motivated today.  Coffee is not helping much.
maybe it's because the only project on my radar for work is NAEYC.  ugh naeyc.

well with a quick turn of events...accelerated me towards staying at home.  I gave my notice this week.  It was a culmination of massive relief and OH SHIT what did i just do. 
we had a fab day yesterday, gives me confidence i can do this...we will see what the rainy day brings today...

current state of mind: frazzled but trying to breathe.  we purchased new windows this weekend & a garage door today. yikes!  We are now at 12,000 in newness for the house...but that's okay...or at least i am trying to accept that it will be okay.  i guess because i have been the driving force & approval behind everything, i am concerned that i left some cost out or under estimated our projects.
today after feeling like all i have done for the last month is purge & clean..decided on a whim to try out the schaumburg library.  it was a great time.  i focused on being in the moment & not trying to control everything.  we were there for about 2 hours.  it felt so relaxed.  it will be nice to be relaxed and go slower.  part of me almost feels guilty because it is going or should be a more laid back enjoyable life for us. 

back to the countdown...it's finally here 4 weeks until i give my notice...8 weeks total at work....which seems like a long time with a new director & new initiatives being rolled out...but it's not.. not at all..especially since i started the countdown in December (that was silly)
i have accepted that i can be excited to be home & sad to leave at the same time.  that's okay.  I am not leaving work b/c i hate it...there are somethings i dis like...but i don't hate my job...(perhaps back in dec, when this conversation started i did hate my job) but not now. 
but i am really going to miss my friends...BUT i can always see them outside of work...look at Kari's party- i hadn't seen or talked to Brandy in 2 weeks..& we work in the same building. 
The kids that i am going to miss...i can facebook friend their parents & do play dates...
it will be sad to leave...but i am asking to be on the sub list...so hopefully i will be back occasionally. 
i will still be friends w/ Diana...we will actually hang out more ...there are people i will be sad to leave...like Basrua but in a year they will be leaving the building anyways...
so it's okay to be excited to SAHM & okay to be sad to leave the center.

this is where i am at right now...first i wished that i didn't over analyze all of this..i wish i was more like Troy to let it go and experience life in the moment...but that's tricky..cause i feel like i have one foot in the pool of work & one foot entering the pool of home.  I need to work on NOT creating extra work or stress in my life...i worry that when i don't have work...all of a sudden TK or other stuff will over take me.
Something has changed within me- i used to feel relief & relaxation when only jugging 3 vs 5 things.  i used to be able to breathe...but now i feel stressed really over nothing...i have some school stuff on my to do list, one small self sufficent TK event this weekend, some homeschool stuff and cranky HOA stuff...but really this is nothing compared to juggling ACA & Tower show...but i don't feel the difference...i used to feel the difference in stress level
so when i am not working, i am going to have to try & work on living in the moment.  this is why i am leaving work to be home isn't it...to be in the moment.
i also need to pick up some books on boundaries again...i need to work on NOT letting confrontation take over my free time & mental energy.  letting it go

The countdown is on...ONE month until i give notice. YIKES!
now i am starting to get nervous- nervous about the decision i am making...worried that i won't be able to manage the girl's behavior, that i will mess the boy's chances in school up... nervous that i am going to miss my friends so much. sigh.
but at the same time, i can't wait to be home...

i am working on decluttering/purging.  i have never "nested" before with either child's arrival..but i finally get that nesting feeling...i feel like i am preparing for my new life...my life that is focused on my home...i am getting my house to feel like a home.  how am i doing this...
i am trying to remind myself" DO NOT FILL YOUR LIFE WITH STUFF...the more stuff the more stressed i get.  i think this is part of my issue with being home w/ the kids.  sometimes i feel like i am just turning my wheels on the ground...trying to be organzied & find stuff.
i think i am capable of being an orangized person ...finally.  this has taken a lot of time...but i have also realized that being the most organized person in the world, doesn't matter if i can't purge through items/or if there is still so much clutter.  i hink the paperwork file is a good example.  i have started to organize the paperwork to either be filed, placed in safe or sorted through...great intentions...but i can't keep up with it...there is just too much inthe way.  i guess that's it...there is too much stuff in the way.  I could find clean linens (cleaverly hidden in their pillow case) if i didn't have to step into the closet of dred.
i actually thing the clutter is more of a mental block than a physcial one.  i open the closet & feel like a failure...what is wrong w/ me that i can't keep this organized.  the clutter screams LOST priorities.  as in ...instead of spending an hour collectively on FB, i could take time to invest in my house making it a home. 
so there....i am trying to move forward with this...& every year i do this...but this year feels different, it feels fresh & RENEWED, inflicted with PURPOSE. 
It probalby helps that i have taken over the 2 house improvement projects.  i feel more responsible for the outcome of the house.  i am taking it very seriously as to what happens with the money put into the construction.  i even called my dad, after about 2 weeks deliberation, to ask for a loan.
so on the house front...i feel good.  now to just keep going

let's see updates for the last week or so.
i spoke at ACA.  i think i have decided to not apply for next year.  I spent a ton of time & energy to prepare...and i really didn't get the "high" that i had previously experienced.  right now, while working it was definitly not a good use of my time.  I do regret expounding so much energy & thought on it....as a result of overcommitment & over stretched i shared several times with lysa how stressed i was...she in turn told D& E i was ready to lose my mind.  then it turned into this big production.  drama ugh!  Too much energy spent on trying to control how other people react...i need to do some more work on boundaries.
on the work front, debbie announced she is leaving the center...in a week.  that was a shock...but on the same side it will make my resignation much easier.  i won't have to look at the wonderful person who told me in my review- families stay because of me.  yikes!  i am really happy for her.  Dreading a little bit the new director Mary-as i will only work for her for 3 months.  & really it's only 2 months plus one month notice
this week i have the dog show w/ tk.  i have 21 volunteers...and kathi is coming to visit. 

a stay at home day in practice.  Today carlie got out at 11am.  We are having a very relaxing, non lazy (except now that my butt is planted by the puter) kinda day.  I'm right in the beginning of 2 exciting but long weeks. ACA & then TK dog show.  Not sure why my 2 largest events for the year go back to back. some sick sense of humour on timing.
There always seems to be something around the corner...after TK Dog show, i'm going to try to just chill...& maybe work a little on a summer boredom bucket/schedule.  It will be really nice to have an objective that (most of the time) focuses just on nurturing & developing my children..instead of always taking time from my children to focus on work or a busy-ness project.

we began getting ready to make the 3rd bedroom.  it is going to be a long process....

Many people think that a cup overflowing is a good thing, and it is, if it is overflowing with love, peace and joy. This means you can ‘pour’ some of those feelings into the lives of others. However, if your cup is overflowing because you are so busy with STUFF, then can I make a suggestion?
Today, together, lets  take a good hard look at our cup and CHOOSE what to pour out?
i read this on Sunny Mummy yesterday.  It has been in my head stirring around...still thinking about it.

review day

My work review is coming up, it might even be today.  we discussed it already that it is too early to share my upcoming plans to leave.  This will be tricky to go into a review & share goals for the coming year....so i am choosing to focus on goals for the next couple of months.  I fear that she will ask about pre-k and i will have to lie.  I don't like lying. 

quotes to reflect on...

If you kept a daily diary of how much time you spent DOING versus THINKING about doing… you’d soon notice something obvious: We think more than we do. If we extrapolate that with the 80/20 rule (that 80% of the value from anything comes from 20% of the activities, you’d probably notice that you spend 20% of your time DOING and 80% NOT DOING. Just think if you could reverse that — unbelievable productivity would abound!
I evaluated some of my own reasons why I procrastinate:

• Fear. I’m afraid of tackling the big project because it is something intimidating, or that may cause change in my life. For instance, I might put off going to the doctor to check into a strange symptom because I’m worried about what she might find. So I put it off.
• The unknown. I put off doing something because I don’t know what’s going to happen, or what the process is. Example (true story): I delay trying to schedule our time share because I don’t know how to do it — the whole thing is like a jumbled mess that I don’t know how to approach. Do I call my home resort first? Or call the exchange place? What’s my password? Where do I want to go next? As a result, I just let the days pass.
• Overwhelm. Cleaning a drawer is no big deal… but cleaning my basement? OVERWHELM! So I put it off. And put it off.
• Unpleasantness. Some tasks just go to the bottom of the to-do list because they’re boring, unpleasant, or just plain nasty. Think about cleaning the toilet. Or getting a mammogram. Or sharing bad news with someone… it’s just easier NOT to do it, so I don’t.

Many people think that a cup overflowing is a good thing, and it is, if it is overflowing with love, peace and joy. This means you can ‘pour’ some of those feelings into the lives of others. However, if your cup is overflowing because you are so busy with STUFF, then can I make a suggestion?
Today, together, lets  take a good hard look at our cup and CHOOSE what to pour out?

we had such a nice day yesterday.  It was relatively mellow.  I sat on the next to casey & sorted paperwork, gutted the mailbox area.  It felt good to get control of some of the clutter.  I have been trying to create a peaceful home by the time Troy gets home...part of me is doing this as a trial run of SAH.  i know everyday won't be peaceful, but everyday shouldn't also be crazy! 
These are things i need to be aware of...if he is working out of the house & i am at home. 

it's the little conversations and things during the day that make me feel confident in my decision.  I know it sounds judgemental, it's not (well i try not to) i actually feel really sad for the things some of the parents are missing out on.  it doesn't matter what the specific are...i wonder if when i share stories of my family & choices if people are sad for me.  I wonder if they understand my passion for TK & how important i feel it is to share w/ my children the joy of volunteering & having a cause

the current battle in my head

there are 2 battles in my head, both revolve around money.  One is the construction project...this is not too time consuming.
the other is carlie's school.  even if we qualify for Leep, can we really afford the 3,000 needed to send carlie back to immanuel.  If we didn't & put her in pubic school, would we be able to afford a vacation or classes for the kids.
i need to NOT worry about this now...i need to focus on not spending money for the next 3 months...& worry about more relevant things.  there i said, stop worrying & be PREsent

it is a good thing that i have decided to SAH, b/c we have since discovered we couldn't afford summer care for carlie....um that's a bummer.  & now to me, it feels forced upon me to stay home.  Something that is provides me freedom to accept my choice & at the same time, something that makes me feel like i am suffocating. hm

still haven't changed my hours...good thing i stopped worrying about getting everything accomplished (w/ new hour change).  Will have to talk to office this week & get some sort of answer.

new challengs=opportunity for growth

lately i have been stressing about how i would make dinner/homework/baths/bed in a reasonable time frame..
A new challenge for me has yielded new opportunities for growth for the children.  Last night, they helped make tuesday dinner & both helped clean up kitchen (more than usual)

letting go

seriously experience massive anxiety this weekend. as all my insane & inane TO DO lists popped in my head.  literally popped...it felt like i had been doing nothing for dayz, then POP a hundred things to do..some of the classroom related things as i went to complete them, i realized the absurdity of them...they have great intentions but really there is not enough time in the day ...and that's okay. I also realized that no one expects me to rise that high above things.
I also realized after re-reading my new fav Sunny Mummy article.  that i had become outcome driven in my classroom. i do think BH encourages this behavior by giving us near impossible task list to complete between documentation, daily charts, WITW, early learner, & Naeyc...amongst basic classroom maintenance. 
"Who said we have to ‘do’ all this?
Who led us to believe that unless we were producing, be it a clean house, clean children, or part time degrees for that matter, we are somehow not good enough?
Why are we so outcome driven? Is it because many of us worked prior to having children, is it because we are scared that if we stop long enough, we may realise that motherhood is not what we thought it would be and we have never stopped long enough, to allow ourselves to enJOY it?
When did doing something {motherhood included}, become about the outcome and ticking a box, rather than experiencing the joy of actually doing it?
What’s missing?
When we rush around being productive, we feel like we have accomplished something. That  we have used our time wisely and seen to the ‘seemingly’ important things.
What happens though, to all those moments that occur or could have occurred, had we NOT been rushing?
I’ll tell you, they fade into the background like a support act you have no interest in, whilst you wait for the REAL ACT to begin.
Slowing down results in DOING LESS and doing it WELL.
Don’t allow the everyday moments with yourself and your family, become the supporting act when they can be front and centre, rocking it out on the main stage.
We need to give ourselves permission to build our days around what is important to us and whilst clean floors may be high on your list {I admit, it is on mine}, nothing should be higher than looking after YOU and your family, in a way that enables you to enJOY the process and feel peace rather than PACE!"

changes..insert rug under feet

decided last week that i was going to stay home in june.  this week, we decided i needed to talk to diana about changing my hours immediately. we purposed working 4 days, shortened days on T-Th & close on friday.  waiting to hear in the next couple of weeks. feels counter productive to work more days, but they are shorter.
Troy is encouraging me to let go of the stress and wait until a decision has been made...

decision...for now...i think

after going back & forth with the idea of working 6:30-1:30, i realized a couple of things...
1. reminded again how our childcare would wash my paycheck (i would work seriously just for my fulfillment & enjoyment)
2. with those hours i would actually work 35 hours vs my 30 hours now.

3. sounds silly, but i wouldn't take a break & therefore would have 2 choices for lunch- eat the kids' food & gain weight or not eat until 2:15 when i get home...which would mess up dinner etc.

4. as i have heard my own voice talking to people (amy & heather) what i actually hear is: "i'm scared to leave work altogether & take a risk"

i can still sub, i can teach sunday school (& be fulfilled) i can host playdates, help in the classroom...all these things will fulfill me.

so there deep breathe- i for right now at this moment have made a decision to quit in june...gawd just typing that makes me hyperventilate

new day

my new plan of attack of only working on center stuff during my actual work week is going well.  last night before i left work, i thought ahead to next week.  carefully deciding how i will divide my time.  last nite i chose to spend a little over an hour updating early learner.  taking the time even through the tiredness to get it down so i don't have to waste energy during my weekend plus...paid off :P
today we went to visit amy, it was awesome to wake up & not focus on work...it's so silly to think of how invested in this center job i am.  it was great to wake up & know i was going to visit such a wonderful friend.  she had some really interesting insight.  i was surprised by how shocked she was that i am still (as she says- you are still) toying with the idea of working 6:30-1:30.(7 hours a day & 5 days) 35 hours hmm wonder if i worked if i would get a lunch break or would i end up being chubby again from eating lunch w/ kids.
amy suggested i pray to God for wisdom & a decision.

new rules for survival

new rules for survival thrival...not sure that is a word..but here's my AHA moment.  it's a simple fact that if i want a top notch classroom, work is going to overflow into home.  it stinks but I for myself, need to do my personal best (gag) but it's true...it's a huge motivator for me.
Anyways, since the work week is normally very long & overwhelming, i have started to do work on my off days.  No more. If work is going to be done at home.  it can only be done during my work week...i will include Monday evening (getting ready if necessary). 
otherwise i am using my mornings to read email, fb & google reader.  I can enjoy those things on my days off.  Maybe this will help me feel like i can have time off & focus on the kids. 

this quote

this quote stopped me dead in my tracks today.  it is from Mish Mash blog

Michelle: I think I have written before but want to reiterate that I have never met anyone who so obviously loves their children with such a pure, unshakable unconditional love as you do. I was a single parent struggling to just put one foot in front of the other while keeping my fingers crossed that the electricity had not been disconnected. I never really got to enjoy the kids.That is why God gives us a "do-over" with our grandchildren. Reading your blog in ways makes me sad for what could have been but incredibly happy for what can be and is with my beautiful grandchildren. Your children are blessed beyond compare.


Truly, looking at life through the rear view--the past--shines a light on the good, the bad, and the ugly. But it gives us insight, so that the road ahead can be better in spite of the bumps. We don't get a do-over, but each day is a clean slate and a new chance to get it right.
 
 
This is what it is all about. 

ramblings

geez, never would have thought this decision required so much thought & anticipation. I have had several conversations this week from other SAH or part time moms who re-affirm my decision without a doubt.
I feel like i am keeping a big dark secret from work.  this is probalby the hardest thing...to know i won't be telliing work for 3 more months.  that my plans have to stay mum. 
Troy is getting his physical this week, fantastic.  this is one of the step's we need to take before i leave my job.  We need to make sure both of us are healthy. & with everything with his dad, it's good to check.

so much work, non stop mondays

on monday i was sitting on the bathroom stool, finishing casey's shower.  & sighing about how much work there is to do in the house.  it was a moment of clarity, how could i possible thing i will be bored.  There is always something to do in the house.  I emailed an old high school buddy about her SAH schedule & regrets.  I wonder if she thought i was crazy...
so there will be moments of laziness...maybe i need to stop going, going, going & start appreciating these moments.
as i realized this past weekend, much of my home time right now is spent doing work stuff.
Here is my tentative plan for summer to manage both kids & house
Maybe look at cleaning M-W, lazy days thurs/friday
i would want to create some sort of cleaning schedule, so i can feel productive & not be cleaning the same thing over & over...
Swimming lessons

wasted time

in an AHA moment, i realized so much of my time & energy is being wasted on work things.  This overwhelming desire to get NAEYC done in one crack.  it's crazy.  i think i am worried about not being able to keep up on the work, hence why i "power burst" through it, as Patti suggests.
i don't know what i need to do, to not have anxiety over this.  should i schedule things out?  would that help me out...i don't know...but i have spent too much time & energy stressing over Naeyc.  which is ridiculous, cause 2 weeks ago, i was even thinking about time consuming NAEYC.   but now i have this very silly notion that i must prepare to leave in 5 months, and leave everything up to date...which is a pretty high expectation on myself.  Maybe if i commit to a smaller time schedule in writing it will be better.

great week breeds doubt

this has been a very conflicting week.  it was a fantastic week in my classroom. it wasn't that the children were fab, cause they are only 2,  Actually i felt at peace again in my room w/ the kiddos.  I was okay w/ the stress of 2's.  I also had a very productive week in the classroom-finished re-arranging shelves, printed off toy labels. made progress.  i wonder if my "good" weeks are connected with a larger classroom project.
On the other hand, as i was changing my room, i was thinking about how in 5 months a new teacher will be in the room.  and how i want to set up systems (toy rotation & cleaning) for a new teacher to follow.  Similar to the pleasure i found in creating the Star of the month, knowing i would only have to manage this until June.  Knowing an end is in sight.
but then again, this week made me think about working 6:30-1:00pm... i have definitely accepted that i will not be working this 3 day current time schedule next year.  It is not working in our family's favor.  it was confirmed again this week...with the water pipe drama.  feeding the kids at 7:30pm & doing homework w/ breakfast doesn't work. so i got that...loud & clear!!!
so what will work best for my family & me next year...???

There appears to be 2 options.  not work (work only as a sub as needed) but for all intents not work...
or work a modified schedule...i do understand that i could convince myself that a modified schedule  and debbie could say no.